This week has been eventful. Not at all the peaceful existence that we have gotten use to. God gave us peace and I’ve worked hard to keep it.
But there are some people who are never at peace. The chaos of their lives infect everyone it touches. It has my stomach in knots; I am physically ill from potential tragedies that may not happen.
I tell myself I have forgiven him, but in reality I have not. Hatred for him fills my heart with putrid pus. He’s a sickeness I can’t quite shake. Everytime I forgive him (or come close) he pushes me back down, and the hatred blooms red again. He is a mountain that only God can move.
These are the things that have happened.
Thing 1: Someone reported him to DCS for: improper living conditions, aggressive behavior to the children, leaving them with people who are in active addiction, and not having them properly restrained in his vehicle. He is completely convinced it was me.
I am fearful of the punishment he is planning for me. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t do it; he has decided that I am guilty. That man’s core belief is two eyes for an eye. It feels like I never left. I can barely swallow for the lump of fear in my throat.
Thing 2: He decided today that he wanted our (my) daughter to attend preschool in a town 30 minutes away. Completely out of no where. No no no. Is this the punishment for someone calling DCS?
Here’s the thing. I don’t work on the days I have her… the exact same days she’d be at school. Instead I work 12 hour shifts on weekends. Here’s the other thing. I’m not even sending my older sons to school this semester, because I believe it’s not safe.
We argue for a while but I won’t budge even though I’m shaking. He tries to bully me by saying, ‘the judge will make you’. Thank you Jesus for giving me the wisdom to have an attorney. Tired of pretending to be brave and confident I tell him that from this point forward to contact my attorney.
Calling his bluff and standing my ground will surely reap more punishments.
In the back of the mind I know that he has the means and meanness to run off with her. That is my waking nightmare.
I meet with said attorney tomorrow. As an added bonus, I get to experience the additional dread of meeting with DCS investigator.
“I personally don’t have any concerns, but I need to meet you and see if you have any concerns concerning your daughter’s care when she’s with her father. ” Direct quote from Super Sweet, Silly, Snake Charmed, Well Meaning DCS Worker.
This immediately let loose a whole herd of panic rats in my brain. If I tell the truth she won’t believe me, she’ll be spiteful and take my kids, she’ll tell him I told. If I lie she’ll believe me, and nothing will change, and my daughter will suffer. And it will be all my fault.
This is where our Bible comes in. Studying the word gives us power over our thoughts. We can replace each gnawing fear with a promise from our God. It works. It helps. I promise.
Sisters, I am afraid. Although, I know that our Saviour has overcome all fears and has already gone in front of me and won victory for me. I’ll be afraid every minute of this little battle, but I will also be bold and use the weapons Father has given me.
John 16:32 Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. 33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
I want to reach out now, to anyone who reads this. Please pray for me. Pray that I have the wisdom to choose my words with grace, pray that I remain bold and brave in the face of my enemies. Pray the blood of Jesus in protection over my children. Pray that God gives these goverment officials discernment and that they will see the truth.
Victorious&Free 